(I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker today to take part in her “5 Minute Fridays,” The word is song).
What was I thinking?
I didn’t sing like some of the others. I liked singing, but I wasn’t that good. I’d never make it.
Looking at my sheet music of the song, Strangers in the Night, I remembered the part I had to redo. I had started the song too low.
A few days later I pushed the mediocre try-out out of my mind as I inched toward the posting of who made it.
And there was MY name listed among the others. I made it! I would be in the high school musical!
I had to remind myself to breathe. This was definitely the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. Finally I felt like I was fitting in.
Running through the door I threw my books down and looked for mom.
“Mom, guess what? I made it. I tried out for the musical and I was chosen!”
I waited for her smile, I longed for her acceptance. But some things never come no matter how much we want them.
She barely looked up as she said,
“Who told you you could try out for the musical? I never said you could do it. Now you go back to school and tell them you can’t be in it.”
I heard the sound of something breaking. It was my dream of fitting in, of being like the other kids.
There was no talking mom into things. Once she decided something it was set in stone.
So, the next day I obeyed. And months later I wiped off tears as I sat watching my friends perform the musical without me.
It would be a pattern I’d have to someday break. Of being an observer of my own life, instead of a participator. Of hearing a song, instead of singing.
Anne,
It was very brave of you to share this part of your story. Perspective and time definitely help, as God heals those broken places within us. Sometimes, I have had to resolve that a person “just couldn’t” – he or she just couldn’t. It is much more to do with them than me. Heck, sometimes I’ve been the person that “just couldn’t” for whatever reason.
Psalm 33:3 “Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy”.
Sing your beautiful new song to the LORD. We don’t even have to audition for that one …. we were made for it! xo
Tracy,
Thanks for saying it was brave to share it. I too, have come to the place where I see the decisions my mom made were those she had seen made. I recently spoke with one of her brothers and he told me he was sorry she never broke out of that mold. My mom was the oldest of 8 children heavily laden with responsibilities. One chain I wish I could successfully break is the one where I feel I have the right to enjoy. Being a grandmother has really helped. For I have fun, yet I am still watching them. It’s “allowed” fun. Thanks for reading, Tracy and for your thoughtful comment. They just “couldn’t,” is a reason which is much easier to accept. I believe it’s true about my mom.